so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
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btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
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i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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