you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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