How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
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its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
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you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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