I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
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after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
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Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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