nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
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He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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