Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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