Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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