I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
splinters make it hard to masturbate
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I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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