Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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