8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
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he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
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Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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