I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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