we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
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It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
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ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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