just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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