she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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