My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
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