Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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