Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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