How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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