dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
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I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
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Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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