worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
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She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
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He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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