I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
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Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
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Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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