If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
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I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
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He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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