It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
My vagina just recognized that song.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
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Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
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He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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