So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize