Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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