I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
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My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
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If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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