The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
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he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
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Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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