I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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