why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
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Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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