i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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