i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
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I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
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I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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