it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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