Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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