I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
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Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
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Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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