I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
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If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
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I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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