two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
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I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
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Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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