you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
It's official drugs can't kill me
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
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You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
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YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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