there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
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yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
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Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
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