Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
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Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
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