I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
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She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
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My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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