I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
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Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
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I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize