If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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