im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
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