i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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