If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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