the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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