and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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