Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
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I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
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His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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