The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize