I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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